Fully Surrender

Dear Self,

Accept the help that is being offered to you by people who truly care.

Love, D

Looking through my phone, I stumbled across the above note I wrote to myself on February 27, 2014. It resonates with me a lot right now.

I made a decision a few weeks ago that was very tough to make. After struggling to significantly turn eating disordered struggles around while in the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and simultaneously participating in outpatient therapy, I decided I would step-up to the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) after the Thanksgiving holiday for a two-week “tune-up.” Reflecting on input from people I greatly trust, truly connecting to realities of where I was at in my recovery, and graciously receiving support from my employer to take time off to return to PHP, all contributed to returning to PHP feeling like the right decision. After sending an email to my IOP team, essentially making my decision official, I definitely panicked, yet committed to myself that I would follow through.

Well, last Monday, November 28, was my re-admission to PHP. I strongly second-guessed my decision after signing paperwork and making it onto the unit. Being back in that environment as a patient, and connecting to what being there entailed, was incredibly difficult to take in. My flight instinct fired up and I nearly convinced myself to leave.

I did not leave.

I chose to stay.

Concerning my recovery, I fear fully surrendering. My recent struggles surely highlighted that for me. Even after receiving extensive life-saving treatment where I surrendered in many ways, which allowed me to make significant progress toward full recovery, I did not surrender in all ways, unintentionally holding onto ties to the eating disorder out of fear – ties that eventually caught up to me.

As difficult as it can be to face some realities of my recovery journey, I am thankful for my greater awareness. I am also thankful for the beautiful opportunity I have right now to get better on track with extra support. I am fighting very hard to fully surrender, which for me entails letting go of control and placing full, sometimes blind, trust in the team of providers I work with.

I need to let go.

I need to fully surrender.

I am longing to truly move forward in my life past the eating disorder, solidly into recovery, and feel willing to commit to doing what that takes moving forward, as hard as what it takes may be.