Fight On

Returning to PHP last November, before falling flat on my face and allowing my eating disorder to transform into a vicious force to be reckoned with, is among the best decisions I have made!

I entered PHP with the understanding it would be for two weeks, which is a timeline I presented. After getting the ok from my employer, I made the choice to follow my team’s recommendation to stay in PHP until I at least reached a place of weight restoration and get back on a maintenance meal plan. A little over seven weeks later, I discharged on Wednesday, January 18. Despite being a short stay in comparison to the 10 consecutive months I once spent between residential and PHP treatment, those seven weeks and two days felt incredibly long. I threw up my fists and fought my eating disorder head-on with great intensity I have never fought it with before. I took on challenge after challenge, fighting to truly do that fully surrender thing I talked about.

Today marks exactly one full week that I have been out of PHP and I am fighting what feels like a new fight. While I have made extreme progress surrounding my recovery over the years, I have never succeeded with maintaining a solid level of recovery after stepping down from PHP. I want this time to be vastly different than previous times. I am channeling a lot of energy and focus toward prioritizing my recovery.

I am both excited and scared to write this new chapter of my recovery journey. I so badly want to be on the other side. I am fearful I will never get there. I am also determined to get there. I have not fought as hard as I have and come as far as I have to settle for less. I am going to fight on.

4 Comments

  1. I’m so proud of you, Deanna! Thanks to my last “tune-up,” I’ve been weight restored and out of treatment for an entire year. I never thought the day would come when I could say that.

    Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    When you hit a rough patch, which is inevitable, remember what you’re feeling right now: you CAN do this.

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  2. I fell backwards hard after PHP and fought hard to get into iOP which took a month. I’ve been in iOP for almost 2 months now and still struggle but I think I have more good days than bad. I’ve decided to put stars or smily faces on a month at a time calendar so I can visually see how many days I am compliant versus not. It’s hard. I look forward to reading your next post.

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  3. Thanks for reading and for the comment! 🙂

    That is awesome to hear that you think you have more good than bad days despite the struggles you still face. I hope those good days continue to increase!!!

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